Thursday, October 05, 2006

Speaker Fatty Hastert speaks!

From the transcript of Speaker Hastert's press conference this afternoon:

HASTERT: Well, thank you very much for everybody showing up today.

Translation: Good lord, there are over 4,000 members of the press covering this conference. The party is screwed.

I'm sorry -- you know, when you talk about the page issue and what's happened in the Congress, I'm deeply sorry that this has happened.

"The Page Issue" -- is that what we're calling it? How about, "The Creepy Republican Florida Sex Perv that House Leadership Ignored for Political Gain" issue instead?

And the bottom line is that we're taking responsibility, because ultimately, as someone has said in Washington before: The buck stops here.

IM Mark64: Are you a young buck? I bet you are! Mmmm.

For something like this to occur, our system obviously isn't designed for the electronic age of Instant Messages.

What the hell is he talking about? What "system"? The system of having Republican sex pervs have weird IM-sex while waiting to vote?

When the Congress found out about the explicit messages, Republicans dealt with it immediately and the culprit was gone. We are now trying to correct the problem.

Problem with this statement is, er, it's not true. Republicans didn't deal with anything. Foley resigned. All else is chaos.

We've asked the Ethics Committee to look into this matter and we asked for criminal investigations to be opened by the Justice Department, the FBI and the State of Florida.
We have a toll-free number where people can confidently call. And we've reached out to experts around the country to put a system in place to make sure this never happens again.

The tip number is 1-866-384-0481.

I just called the tip number, and I got a fax machine. No joke.

We will do everything possible to make the program safe for the kids while they're in our care in Washington, D.C.

As an aside, if you ever wanted to be a Congressional page, this would be the time to apply. Anyone? Anyone?

And we will make sure that we can be a resource for their parents once they return home.

What does that even mean? That parents can file a complaint if their son's had IM sex with a Member of Congress?

We're looking for a person of high caliber to advise us on the page program. I reached out to the Democrat leader and shared with her some of the ideas and we hope to resolve this soon.

Yeah, how's that working out? According to The Daily Kos:

Hastert gave a call to Nancy Pelosi in Washington today. Nancy Pelosi said no, that's not good enough. We don't want an overhaul of the page program. We need a more thorough investigation. That's something that both Democratic and Republican aides that I've just spoken to agree on, that Pelosi refused. So Freeh, for the time being, will not be heading up, as other news organizations have been reporting, will not be heading up...a probe, or an overhaul...of the page program here in the House.

From the Q&A:

QUESTION: How were the e-mails characterized? How were they characterized? Were they just overly friendly ? Not only as the speaker, but as a former teacher, did that not ring any alarms to you...

HASTERT: We were advised -- our office and then the clerk's office and to the chairman of the page board that there was a Katrina message, period. We knew of no other e-mails -- we -- in that system. And there were no other e-mails other than that one that I know of. And we didn't even have the e-mail because the parents didn't want to give the e-mail out. They said, Stop it.
The guy that I asked to do that job a long time ago was John Shimkus. John Shimkus is an Army ranger. He's a tough guys. He goes right to the point when there's a problem.
He confronted the member. And the member said that he would stop doing that; asked if there was any other messages. He said no. And he said, Don't do it again. You know, that's what we did. The parents were happy.

That's it? "Don't do it again"? That's all? Why didn't the Republicans try that with Pres. Clinton, then, instead of, you know, impeaching him? They could have sent Shimkus over -- he's a tough guys, apparently -- and he could have made it plain: "Hey, Bill, the diddling of the interns? Don't do it again." Boom, problem solved.

2 Comments:

Blogger Johnbai3030 said...

This John Shimkus guy is dangerously close to encroaching on my name. Loser.

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Nic said...

Absolutely hilarious!

3:30 PM  

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