Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Guest Blogger: The Volcano! Enthusiast

A close friend recently spent a Sunday night curled up with a National Geographic special on volcanoes. I thought I'd pass along his minute-by-minute account.

June 11th
8:59- First hint of impending two hour long special appears as an advertisement on Discovery Channel
9:01pm- Initial plumes of volcanic ash spew forth from the slumbering giant as two hour special begins
9:05pm- Completion of bread and cheese snack slows volcano! enthusiast viewer in 1540 Waller significantly. Signs of catastrophic sleep during Krakatoa special first appear.
9:10pm- As volcano enthusiast eyes hit 82% closure the mountain in the special erupts. More than 20 cubic kilometres of tephra and pyroclastic flow (hot volcanic gases mixed with solid particles) were rained down on the surrounding area. The pyroclastic flow was so hot, it scorched and killed more than 2,000 people in Southern Sumatra which was more than 40 kilometres away.
9:12pm- Old world theatrical production style (reminiscent of 'Shakespeare in Love') that Krakatoa producers have chosen ensures complete collapse of volcano! enthusiast. There will be very feeble attempts at resurrection intermittently over the next couple of hours but each momentary stirring is met by the brutal force of the theatrical style which sends the viewer punishingly back into an overwhelming and near permanent state of sleep.
9:17pm- The much hyped statistic that, "The explosion of the Krakatoa was the loudest recorded sound in history" is first announced.
11:58pm- Volcano! enthusiast is violently awakened by the realization that he has eaten 60% of the front couch during the Krakatoa special and that contact eye wear has not been properly removed. Attempts at contact eye wear removal fail miserably as volcano! enthusiast slides face first between two cushions and drops unsparingly into another deep sleep chasm. The volcano! enthusiast will not stir for another five hours.
4:49am- Volcano! enthusiast finally takes self to a proper bed for the final stage of the evenings/morning's events. During the transition the volcano! enthusiast reminiscences about the previous series of events and concludes that the tsunami special prior to Krakatoa was far more interesting and effectively produced.


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