Friday, September 08, 2006

Parallax NFL Predictions

AFC East
Miami 10-6: Steelers win game one by virtue of soul-crushing mistake by refereers in nationally televised game; "We are all Seahawks now" says coach Nick Saban
New England 9-7: Bill Belichick, certified genius, will somehow guide this team to nine wins despite having Pepsi Machine starting at wideout by week six
NY Jets 7-9: Chad Pennington is comeback player of the year. That, or he snaps his arm in half in week one.
Buffalo 5-11: The Bills waived Peerless Price four years ago. Price signed in Atlanta, rode the pine for three years, then cut. Immediately resigned by the Bills for $1.5 million in the offseason, and now is starting at WR. Can't be good.

AFC North
Pittsburg 12-4: Helps having the zebras as your 12th Man.
Cincinnati 11-5: NFL Network runs -- virtually nonstop -- advertisements promoting Chad Johnson, Bengals WR. Sample lyric: "Where ya at 85? Been all around this crazy world just to see you do all the things you do." Meanwhile, the NFL itself banned touchdown celebrations this year to stop Chad Johnson's self-promotional touchdown celebrations. The NFL owns the NFL Network.
Cleveland 7-9: Possible the most boring team in the NFL.
Baltimore 6-10: Possibly the most unlikeable team in the NFL.

AFC South
Jacksonville 12-4: The AFC's version of the Seahawks -- constantly play well, no real weaknesses at any position, completely ignored by national media, and perpetually taken for granted.
Indianapolis 10-6: Wouldn't it be interesting to watch the Colts without Peyton Manning? And don't you suspect that, though they would lose more regular season games, they might go further in the playoffs than they ever have?
Houston 5-11: I was one of six people who thought it was a good idea to pass on Reggie Bush. I also supported the Iraq invasion. At least there's hope in Iraq -- the same can't be said in Houston.
Tennessee 2-14: The Titans have yet to pick a starting quarterback. The season starts in two days. Wheels have come off this franchise.

AFC West
Denver 12-4: At some point, Jake Plummer will implode. Then Jay Cutler will come in and pull a Big Ben Roethlisberger on the AFC West, winning out the regular season and going deep into the playoffs before a heartbreaking loss in the AFC Championship game. This team will be around for awhile.
Kansas City 11-5: Larry Johnson is worth six lumberjacks. Whatever that means. It means he's good.
San Diego 9-7: Team would be favorite to win the AFC if it'd kept Drew Brees. At least the weather's nice.
Oakland 4-12: Just stop, baby.

NFC East
Philadelphia 10-6: If Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren switched places midseason, would anyone notice?
Ny Giants 9-7: Jeremy Shockey started writing a blog for the NY Post. Over/under on Lindsay Lohan references for the year is currently standing at 182.
Dallas 8-8: Channeling the spirit of Pat Summerall: "Bledsoe drops back...dumps to the gain. TO just punched Bledsoe...seems to be eating his spleen...oh my."
Washington 5-11: Mark Brunell was a sweet quarterback for the UW Huskies last century. Literally.

NFC North
Chicago 9-7: Virtually impossible to pick anyone else in this shithole of a division.
Green Bay 8-8: Just make it end quickly.
Detroit 7-9: The RB sucks, the WRs are mediocre, and the QB is backup masquerading as a starter. Still good for seven wins in the NFC North!
Minnesota 3-13: Ugly. Just ugly.

NFC South
Tampa Bay 10-6: Only place where you will NOT be subjected to a pat-down search before watching an NFL game is at the Buccaneers' home stadium. Al Qaeda take note.
Carolina 9-7: This team has one good player on offense, yet is the consensus Super Bowl favorite. That player currently has injuries to both his legs. Problematic.
Atlanta 9-7: Team would be better off with the Matt Schaub Experience.
New Orleans 6-10: If Deuce McAllister breaks something, they win two more games by virtue of Reggie Bush.

NFC West
Seattle 12-4: The Qwest begins.
Arizona 8-8: Almost named their new stadium "Pink Taco" in the offseason. Needs to get serious to get taken seriously.
St. Louis 6-10: Not very good.
San Francisco 3-13: Complete shit.


Blogger Johnbai3030 said...

After today's game, I'm left wishing we had resigned Steve Hutchinson rather than Shaun Alexander. His loss looks pretty huge when you consider how Detroit's defensive line murdered our O-line this afternoon(something that NEVER happened last year.)

2:13 PM  

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