Wednesday, May 23, 2007

TPV's Quickhand reference to American Politics

Yesterday, my sister turned 27 (happy birthday, sis!) She informs me that she never reads this blog because it's boring, and has too much about politics and sports (true!) But she said she would try to get up to speed if I provided a short summary of American politics. So without further ado, here's a roundup of what you need to know:

President Bush: Started War in Iraq, has lowest poll ratings since Nixon. May have singlehandendly destroyed Republican Party. Struggles with sentence formation.

Darth Cheney: Evil. Lives in an underground lair, plotting attacks on Iran. Considered best insurance policy to prevent assassination of President since Dan Quayle.

Iraq War: Not going well. Enemy undefined. American will sapping. Expensive! Also, no one speaks Arabic. Bad times all around.

Alberto Gonzales: Minion of Bush. Ostensibly the Attorney General, spends most of time testifying about why he shouldn't resign. Best thing to happen to Democrats since Bush.

Immigration: Republicans want to build a Berlin Wall on Mexican border. Democrats want to legalize 12 million illegal immigrants living here. Both ideas seem dubious, yet both parties seem eager to draft bill doing both. Drunken Ted Kennedy (brother of JFK!) spearheading effort.

Afghanistan: No one pays attention anymore, sort of like the Korea circa 1950, even though Afghanistan, along with Pakistan, is a haven for Taliban and Al-Qaeda terrorist types, we're too pinned down in Iraq to do much (see above). In general, don't trust "stans" or "rans" when it comes to countries. Also, "Inas" and "Ussias" are suspect.

"Netroots": Obnoxious phrase used to describe unemployed, tea-sipping hippies who control the Democratic Party.

Obama: A new sensation that's sweeping the nation, Obama speaks to our thirst for political substance in an era of cynicism, even though Obama himself has yet to provide any political positions of substance. Irony runs thick in politics, sis.

Abortion: Fun! New Justices on Supreme Court seem intent on overturning Roe v. Wade. Super-high-up Democratic political operatives are secretly hoping that it happens so that Democrats can seize power a la FDR era and run country permanently.

Evolution-Creationism: Our dipshit President and at least two Republican presidential candidates believe evolution is a myth, 100 years after the Scopes monkey trial. Stupidity like this may explain why people like you sis have lost faith in politics. Sure tests my resolve sometimes.

Foreign Trade: Hot issue under Clinton -- "NAFTA and the Giant Sucking Sound" -- now in disrepute. To retain lefty-hippy credibility, make sure to buy "fair traded" goods at your local commie collective.

Hillary Clinton: Probably a dyke.

Philip Roth: Perhaps the greatest American novelist alive today, his recent book "The Plot Against America" imagined an alterna-America where a fascist Charles Lindbergh defeats FDR and America remains neutral in WWII. To sound smart at cocktail parties, simply start every sentence with, "As Roth suggests in The Plot Against America, a sense of perpetual fear presides over our country," and watch people swoon.

Fox News: Official propaganda arm of our government, Fox News anchors are being instilled in White House as official spokespersons. Seriously. It's that blatant.

Speaker Nancy "Bug Eyes" Pelosi: Elected from the heart of socialist San Francisco, and quite possibly an alien, Pelosi is effective at (a) providing pork to San Francisco and (b) caving to President Bush on the Iraq War. She also is unfamiliar with curly fries (see earlier TPV blog post).

Europe: Filled with weenies.

Mitt Romney: Former Governor of Massachussettes, Romney -- a Republican -- was elected on a platform of sound fiscal management combined with tolerance for gays; oh, and he was pro-choice too. Now running for President, Romney claims to hate gays and that he'll criminalize abortion. This, in the eyes of the GOP, makes him more electable. No, I mean it.

Al Gore: Have you seen him lately? He's like, Orca fat.

Global Warming: May devastate human life in the long-term, but makes for nice summers in Seattle, so it's kind of a wash.


Anonymous Timmy said...

I like the direction the TPV takes here. I follow wordly happenings and feel like that was a kind of daily show rap up for the world of blogging. And Hillary is probably a dike. If you ever do it again I would love to hear your position on Russia, China, and why hippies suck so bad even though their heart is in the right place.

3:12 AM  
Blogger erin said...

ah, to be 27 and completely ignorent of the status of the world. i can no longer claim such infamy, thanks to my well-into-his-thirties brother!

re: hippies: if the heart is in the right place, but bleeding, it will in fact create a force of suckage. energy will be spent on staving off bloodloss, not on getting anything productive done. thus: hippiocricy.

thanks benji.

5:25 PM  

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