Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Christian Slater, football maniac

Last night, the Seattle Seahawks beat the Oakland Raiders on Monday Night Football. You might not have noticed, because the ESPN game crew got bored approximately 10 minutes into the game, and cohost Tony Kornheiser found about 37 different ways to distract themselves for the duration of the contest, including:

(1) Yammering about whether Tony Kornheiser's fantasy football team was going to beat Mike Tirico's team. The only problem? Tirico was unaware he even had a fantasy team, much less that he was playing Kornheiser.

(2) Handing out "Tony" awards -- clever! -- to various players for various bullshit reasons. You know, like Madden's been doing for more than 20 years.

(3) Having his daytime talkshow cohost join him in the both for the last half of the game, ignoring Theismann and Tirico completely.

But by far the most distracting moment was when Christian Slater, whose face looked as if it had been stretched skin-tight across his skull and polished with a wax enamel, joined the team in the booth for quite possibly the most unintentionally hilarious 10 minutes in MNF history. Here, as best I can remember, is a transcript of what transpired:

Tirico: Joining us now in the booth is Christian Slater. Christian, I understand you have a new movie coming out soon?

Slater: Thanks Mike. Yeah, I'm in "Bobby," the new movie about Bobby Kennedy. It's got a great ensemble cast, including Lindsay Lohan. You know, a great ensemble is like a great football team! Like this Seattle Seahawks!

[First awkward pause while Theismann stares at Slater, wondering who he is or why he's in the booth]

Tirico: Sounds terrific, Christian.

[Seahawks punt the ball]

Slater, voice over: Woo-hoo, looka that punt!

* Note: Punt was for 28 yards, touchback in the endzone.

[Raiders run the ball for 2 yards]

Slater: Woo, looka that!

Theismann: So, Christian, do you follow football?

Slater: Oh yeah, I have tons of friends that love football. I flew up from LA for this!

[Cut-away to Theismann, staring incredulously, while Tirico shuffles awkwardly in his seat]

Kornheiser: So, uh, what team do you follow?

Slater: Oh man, growing up, I loved...my dad loved...the Jets?

[Audible sense of relief that Slater has named an actual NFL franchise]

Slater: Hey, can I do something? Can I say something?


[Painful, building tension]

Tirico: Uh, sure, go ahead.


[Unbelievably pained silence]

Slater: There's a story behind that!

Theismann [laughing awkwardly]: Haha, you mean Michelle Tafoya, our sideline reporter, haha!

[Slater gives an icy stare]

Tirico: Ok, thanks for stopping by, Christian. Make sure to check out "Bobby," the movie about the asssassination of Bobby Kennedy next week.


Final note -- here's what Wikipedia has to say about the mysterious Michelle that Christian gave his "shout out" on MNF:

On August 11, 1997, Slater was arrested by police in Los Angeles and charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon and one count of battery. Slater, drunk and high on heroin, punched his then-girlfriend, fashion editor Michelle Jonas, in the face at a party and biting a man who attempted to protect her. Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, "the Germans are coming and they will kill us!" He then attacked a police officer. All the felony charges against him were eventually dropped. He was sentenced to three months in prison, serving 59 days for good behavior.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, I must report that we all were laughing our asses off as well. It was perfectly timed, actually, since 5 minutes before I had launced a long litany about how ESPN wasn't concerned with the actual sport being shown anymore, but instead merely served as an engine for forwarding the money-making potential of personalities, both sports and otherwise. I thought the entire interview summed up rather nicely why I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear the word "Espy."

-Lil Bro

12:18 AM  
Blogger Johnbai3030 said...

What do you guys expect? ESPN got stuck with a dog of a game... A floundering former contender (with 3 of last year's 4 best players gone or injured,) and a team being compared to the worst teams of all time. Crappy weather and a lopsided contest. Outside of a couple of Mo Morris runs and Deion's TD, were there any beautiful plays on the night? I suppose they could have given Seneca Wallace a little more love. Or they could have talked more about the punting game. (Holmgren finally finds a use for Nate B.!!!)

Julian Peterson vaulting Oakland's quarterback on his one sack of the night was pretty funny too.

10:21 AM  

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